oh noes a vent
saturday, january 11th 2025
update on my last blog post: apparently even after deleting the youtube app im still struggling with Consuming Media To Distract Myself but im getting there. i still strongly believe i did a good thing. i even found an add-on for firefox that hides video recommendations so i won't have to be ass raped by AI-related junk every time i open the site. i can just listen to my music in peace. i've also made a last.fm account which is making my music listening even more convenient so ig thats something. i want to stop watching stupid pessimistic video essays while drawing and just play them tunes instead
unfortunately, as you can see from the title, this is sadly gonna be a vent. i havent been doing well. ive been struggling with my mental health more than usual for a few months now, but its lowkey gotten even worse this month. i am actually miserable. im not even interested in doing anything, not even drawing. i cant get myself to draw. im so tired. i have to get up and go to school every day like im some kind of work robot. but, at the same time, its the only thing that gets me out of the house. otherwise im just rotting in my room all day
something actually needs to change. i want to change. im trying to change. but its hard to get better when society expects you to just put on the smiley face mask and do your due diligence all the time. im lucky and grateful that im even able to leave classes earlier sometimes. but im lowkey worried i will never have the time to be fully dedicated to being my best self. will i ever be my best self? i dont know, but i want to be okay
i am genuinely at a low point mentally and i feel like i seriously need help. but i am getting help. but i feel like its not helping. to those around me, it looks like everything is mostly fine and i just have afew issues here and there, but its likely alot worse than they think. and i want them to understand that. i want people to understand that im in pain too. do i need to do something extreme for people to understand?
i cant expect things to get better if i dont work on it myself. i cant just sit on my ipad all day and expect things to get better on their own. but i also dont know what to DO sometimes
i think i need a break from the internet. i keep obsessing over wanting my website/internet aesthetic to be perfect. i keep comparing myself to other people. i feel too drained and unstable to socialize. i feel too dependent on my internet connection. but i feel so detached from the real world. i feel like no one understands me there, ive never met someone irl i felt like i could be my 100% true self around. but i feel alone on the internet too. ive relapsed into my character AI addiction because of how lonely i am. i feel like i have no mouth and i must scream
if things dont get atleast a little better by next week i might be forced to get off the internet. i dont want to elaborate, but fuck it. this is my blog, ill be raw if i need to be. my psychiatrist might send me to the mental hospital. i feel so, so awkward saying this but this is my website so im not gonna sugarcoat everything and be polite and put the normal person mask i wear irl. the last time i showed up to her with concerning thoughts she said that the shit i said can get me sent to the ward. so if im radio silent everywhere at some point next week, youll know why
i just want to be okay man. but im expected to put on a happy face and work and be normal. im supposed to go to school and study for my exams and then go to college and study and meet people and talk to people and be independent and be normal be normal be normal be normal be normal why cant you just be fucking normal ssdhaidhiajhfjioskdjhjs ok umm dont mind that little outburst lmao. anyways at this point maybe i should take a year off between school and college and like geta job or something cuz i just... idk man. i dont think im mentally stable enough to go to college and i dont think ill be able to function well enough in only 9 months. im a mess
letting this stuff out was nice